Growing up the only thing I wanted to do was to be a wife and a mother. I was married at the age of 23 and was surprised when after a few years of marriage, life was perfect and the thoughts of children still seemed far away.
Five years into our marriage I finally passed a pregnancy test. My husband and I always joked about my inablity to pass a test. I always failed my "tests" but this time was different because I had passed with flying colors!
|Our frist Dr visit with Baby Zee|
Once we passed the point in the pregnancy where we had lost our first baby, excitement began to build. I had a dream that we were having a boy and in the dream we kept calling him Zee. The dream seemed to give our baby an identity, something for me to picture and hold on to. It's amazing how that in just a few weeks you fall in love with a baby you've never meet. All Matt and I could talk about the next few days was baby Zee. Baby Zee had quickly become a big part of our lives.
Just days after the dream there were complications and I knew that our time with baby Zee would be short. The night we lost him was physically and emotionally hard. I don't think I was able to grasp what was happening. The only thing I knew is that I could trust God with all of this and He would be just what I needed.
While going through it, God reminded me of a video I had seen on YouTube a couple of weeks earlier. The video was of a lady singing while she was in labor. It was the most peaceful, anointed song I had ever listened to. I played the video over and over and it brought such peace to me that night. God always gives me what I need, even if it's through YouTube:)
My husband's mom died when he was a little boy. I miss the fact that I never got to meet her and often wonder what it would have been like to have known her. A few days after losing Zee, God gave me such a precious picture. Baby Zee would get to meet his grandma in Heaven. She would look after her grandson until I got there. It brought peace to me knowing that even though Zee wasn't with me, he had his grandma there with him. At that point I was able to let him go, knowing that he was in good hands with grandma and Jesus.